soft launch

after 3 years + 1 week I feel like I have forgotten more about myself than I have learned about myself in a lot of ways but I am grateful for what I and we have accomplished thus far and I have never stopped shitting out music but have lost the attention or dedication that comes with the territory of being cursed to work a truly antisocial work schedule and a multifaceted struggle with fatigue. i am simultaneously weighed down by my own ambitions affected by my own lack of ability to follow through on those ideas due to internal and external factors. my own disillusionment with the state of creative arts creeps in to force me to question my own decision making - which I think that is sometimes a good thing - but it has slowed down my faculties significantly.
a lot of major and beautiful things have happened to me in that time too. none of that is something to be overlooked. acknowledging the good things in your life is good and healthy. i am in love. i am in many ways mentally healthier and more regulated now than i was even 3 years ago.

fatigue is a very fashionable term to use to describe a very real thing that many people experience. it's also been a word co-opted by racist youtubers to talk about how they don't like indian people or jewish people or something. its also used as a word by people to justify their general inaction or apathy. this is where i feel like we're in a middle ground. in my default state of self doubt and engaging continuously in the needless criticalness i have of everything unimportant - being someone with diagnosable "chronic fatigue" has become an identity. this frustrates me. the concept of your body having various ailments being something you need to place context for in your introductions to people is maybe a little bizarre? is this out of a desire to look for any excuse possible to be a flake (which i will admit - i am a flake frequently, usually because i'm tired) or out of a desire to posture yourself with as many adjectives as possible to seem more interesting? to give yourself more outward ethos? or is there some legitimate reason people have turned this morbidity into a slogan? should i be letting people know up front with an "as a" statement that i suffer from an ailment?

my process for writing music has been catered to my physical desire to be as still as possible without me really realizing that this has happened. i like to have everything at waist level and all instruments within immediate reach. i'm finding myself frequently dropping guitar as my knuckles lock up and my left hand's fingers have difficulty holding barre chords for long periods of time. and yet in my stubborn arrogance i refuse to adapt to "alternate tunings" because thats what "shitty nugaze shortformcore bands" do (along with playing chase bliss, old blood noise, and EQD pedals through fender offset guitars). so ive begun writing with keyboards and stuff i guess. but now i feel like im writing the same song over and over again. eternal difficulty

as i type this my left index finger is hurting - the very finger that gives me difficulty barring chords. i feel like i need to crack it so bad but it never does. my knuckle feels like jelly. this is miserable.

in 4 days i go to the doctor to continue my path towards diagnosis - as of now im not diagnosed with anything. true hypochondriac status. the doctor believes me though. she says my hand's skin does a "rubber glove" thing. and so ill have an identity assigned to me to let people know what's wrong with me. is this useful information to anyone? not really. its cool to show people i can lick my elbow i guess - something ive busted out with varying degrees of reluctance over the years. i guess im basically self-assigning my own chronic fatigue by putting this on the internet publicly. as a chronically fatigued gay italo-american i think that it's valid for me to be able to talk about and kinda therapize my thought processes through publications centered around my own experiences with music and the interdisciplinary nature between my status as a musician and as a self-diagnosed chronically ill person.

btw if you like having cool art made for you or youre a furry who needs art made or want to adopt a character design you should patronize my bud harv who could really use the business right now.